Notes of a Paranoid Schizophrenic

About fifteen years ago, I remember reading an article in CompuServe magazine about ADD, or Attention Deficit Disorder. It was like the light came on, reading that article, I suddenly could see clearly that I wasn’t alone in my distracted thinking, my short attention span, and a lifetime of unfinished projects. Not to mention numerous, varied, and short-lived relationships. My father always used to describe me as a “one-off”, must be a British expression, but I understand what he meant.

Nowadays, ADD has become the popular disorder-of-the-day, it is almost fashionable now to describe one’s self as ADD; it lets a person off the hook for being messy or lazy. But I think you have to actually be ADD to truly know what this affliction is all about.

About 4 years ago, I began taking Dexedrine to treat my ADD, on my doctor’s advice.  Also about 4 years ago, I started smoking cigars on a regular basis (yes, I tried to persuade myself that cigars are healthier, but that’s self-delusional crap, I smoke to inhale and cigars are harsh as hell), and I also developed a nervous habit of scratching away on the cutical of my left thumb.  Every day, mercilessly, I dig away at the any tiny little ridge of cuticle skin I can find on my thumb.  Every now and then I wonder how I developed this strange habit, and why I have been at it consistently for several years… why do I do it until my thumb aches, or bleeds?

A couple days ago, I decided to let my prescription lapse - I wanted to see if I’d feel any different.  Today, I  noticed as if afar from myself, that I was not digging at my thumb.  I also noticed that I am feeling a bit more laid back, a little less anxious, and strangely, quite a bit more focused.

It makes sense, I guess.  Dexedrine is a stimulant after all.  I guess it it made me fidgety.  I still want my cigars, but quitting day is today, last day of April.  So that means that I have to leave this post to go have that last cigar…

Until next

OK, despite my initial optimism about the future, this morning I woke up wishing I could just go back to sleep.  The nature of my work is that I work when the phone rings.  Of course, I could always go out and do some marketing work… but that has never been my strong asset.

To get kick started today (I needed it), I listened to my Karim Hajee audio track.  There are exercises in these audio courses, today he is telling me to confront my “great deceiver” (my conscious mind) and write down all the things that my mind is telling me I will fail.  Does that sound familiar?  Talking yourself out of success?

Another thing these audio tapes tell me is that sometimes the best time to do these exercises is when I least feel like doing them.  That is why I am writing them down now in this blog.  Because I don’t really feel like it.  That will be the hard part for you too, dear reader, is breaking the old habit of letting yourself off the hook.

If you are trying to break some of your bad habits, I urge you to click through to some of the links in the sidebar at the right of the screen, Bill Harris, Karim Hajee, Eckhart Tolle, John Assaraf, and Deepak Chopra, and see what these men have to teach you.  If you can’t be bothered to to that, then you aren’t really motivated to succeed or improve your life.  So go right now, and check out these enlightened men.  They are all teaching much the same thing, which is to CHANGE YOUR THINKING.  You can change your thinking, but it won’t be easy and you are going to need help.  It is my hope that reading this blog will encourage you as you watch my own struggles.

BTW, I did not go for a run today as I had planned, a buddy called and I went skiing instead (it costs me nothing, I volunteered for a pass and can ski as much as I like).

Be well.

Transformation.  That’s what this blog is about, my personal journey, which starts today.  Actually, it started months ago, but this is my first post and it is here that I reveal my true intentions as a blogger… 

I am a 49 year old single man who has struggled with depression and low self esteem his entire life.  To be quite honest, I am fed up.  I want to change.  I have decided to change.  The scary part is that it is very difficult to change, even though the prospect of staying the same way for the rest of my life is the scariest notion in the world.  It’s not an option, really. 

Many people think that my life is absolutely perfect.  After all, I work only part time.  I live in a world famous ski resort town in beautiful BC, Canada, possibly the most beautiful place on earth.  I am reasonably fit and healthy.  So what’s the big problem?  Well I’ll tell you.  Even though my life is comfy enough, I realize now that I am just drifting through life, without really accomplishing anything.  The years are wizzing by.  I have not set any real goals for 10 years. 

After my retail business closed in 2003, I began to feel sorry for myself.  I wanted others to feel sorry for me too.  So, I started to shuffle through life instead of charging through it. I chose to be angry instead of happy.  And I have paid a price.  The price is alienation from my friends and family.  I also got sloppy with money, and put myself into massive debt.  I closed my business, and borrowed money from my mortgage to pay off the debt.  I got tempted by an easy investement, which turned out to be a dead loss, and burned up $20,000.  Later I sold my house, which luckily had gone up in value, and I had a nice sum of money in hand.  I went for another “easy money” investment, and now that’s looking like another mistake.  My house went up in value $150,000 in only ten years, and I have not seen a single  penny of that money, I squandered it all.

You may think that this post is going in a negative direction - quite the contrary.  As I said earlier, I am FED UP!  I am not sure exactly when it happened, but…

I am mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!

That phrase is from the 1970 movie, Network.  It’s part of a greater monologue that’s worth reprinting here.  This is pretty foretelling of our present world, and it was written 40 years ago!

I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It’s a depression. Everybody’s out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel’s worth. Banks are going bust. Shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there’s no one anywhere that seems to know what to do with us. Now into it. We know the air is unfit to breathe, our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TVs while some local newscaster tells us that today we had 15 homicides and 63 violent crimes as if that’s the way it’s supposed to be. We know things are bad. Worse than bad. They’re crazy. It’s like everything everywhere is going crazy so we don’t go out anymore. We sit in a house as slowly the world we’re living in is getting smaller and all we say is, “Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster, and TV, and my steel belted radials and I won’t say anything.” Well I’m not going to leave you alone. I want you to get mad. I don’t want you to protest. I don’t want you to riot. I don’t want you to write to your congressman because I wouldn’t know what to tell you to write. I don’t know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crying in the streets. All I know is first you’ve got to get mad. You’ve got to say, “I’m a human being. God Dammit, my life has value.” So, I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it, and stick your head out, and yell, “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” I want you to get up right now. Get up. Go to your windows, open your windows, and stick your head out, and yell, “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!” Things have got to change my friends. You’ve got to get mad. You’ve got to say, “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!” Then we’ll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis. But first get up out of your chairs, open your window, stick your head out and yell, “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

Now I am a contemplative sort of guy, certainly not without imagination.  I started to notice that a lot of “gurus”, guys like Bill Harris, Anthony Robins, Karif Haji, Deepak Chopra, even Buddha, are all saying the same thing.  I guess you could call it the universal truth.  The universal truth is this:

ALL OF US ARE THE PRODUCT OF OUR OWN THINKING

Read that statement a couple of times and let it sink in.  All of us are the product of our own thinking.  There is no real difference between you and a multi-millionaire, or a movie star, or high profile world peace activist.  The only thing that separates you and I from successful and happy people IS OUR THINKING.

There.  I have just saved you from having to watch The Secret!  But watch it anyway.  Read all you can, about Quantum Mechanics, listen to every audio, watch every PBS program that investigates why the way we are.  It’s a fascinating journey.

But getting back to the beginning, I started off talking about transformation.  Transformation begins with the decision to change.  In my case, I made the decision to change a long time ago, but I am finding that for some reason I am filled with resistance.  Self doubt.  For some reason, my subconsious mind does not want me to change, it wants me to stay stuck.  But according to the masters, this is normal.  The subconsious mind will rule us forever unless we take active steps to reprogram it.  And that is whyI am writing this blog.  I want to point out some fundamental “truths” that I have discovered, and now I have to “prove” those truths by doing them.  This blog is my journey.  Those who read it, will be my witnesses.  Readers please hold me accountable.  Hold my feet to the fire so to speak.

My next post will explain what I’ve decided to do, what particular aspects of my life that I’ve decided to change. 

Be well.